I Went With the iPhone 8

According to the press, and especially the fawning Apple bloggers, I don’t exist. Well, maybe I exist a little but I’m cheap, or stupid, or maybe confused…and cheap and stupid.

No, I didn’t leak the iOS 11 Gold Master (I’d hate to be that guy and run in to John Gruber at a well lit Philadelphia craft cocktail bar), I’m just the only person in the world that ordered an iPhone 8 (Plus)…on purpose.

It’s true, and I’d like to tell you why.

1. The iPhone 8 has all the best upgrades from the iPhone X

While I do wish both back cameras had Optical Image Stabilization, and the front crazy dot projection thing seems like it would be fun to play with for an hour or so, all the rest of the new stuff is also in the iPhone 8 Plus: Cameras, Processor, Inductive Charging, and Apple Logo

It’s still an iPhone, but the important thing is that when I take a picture of myself in one of my Apple-issued colorful floppy hats my picture will look just as good as the iPhone X.

2. I’m nervous about brand new things from Apple these days.

I’m pretty pissed about the 2016 Macbook Pro, and the number one reason I’m pissed about it is that it sucks. Specifically, it’s just not reliable and that’s the one thing I need my computer to be. I’m not going to be that guy who says that Apple is “screwed” and “it’s all over for them” but I will say the design seems to be winning our over reliability and usability recently (see: iOS 7, 2016 MBP, and Apple TV). Except for the Apple TV they do seem to eventually getting around to fixing things, but all the same, I’m going to pass on the iPhone X and give them a year to figure out the fallout from swipe up vs home button and Face ID.

3. Free case!

My iPhone 7 Plus case will work on the iPhone 8 Plus…so free case!

4. I can hide from calling it the “iPhone Ten”

I really don’t like the name “iPhone Ten,” and I really don’t want to talk to other people about the name. I never owned an iPod Touch because the constant assault charges on people saying “Oh, is that an iTouch?” would have been a huge burden, both financially and because you really can’t ever get your shoes completely clean after a stomping.

5. Battery life.

The iPhone 8 Plus has the best battery life of all of the new iPhones. The end.